watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
