they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
