I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
