Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
