Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
