I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
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It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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