I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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