Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
