how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
