I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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