an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
