I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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