I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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