bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
