You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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