There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
