My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
