On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
