i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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