@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
