The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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