here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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