i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
