Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I supernannyed him into submission
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
