just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
