The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
