he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
