I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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