the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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