she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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