So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
