and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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