Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
