I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
