All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
