I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
