i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
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We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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