just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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