After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
not ubering you a puppy
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
