i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
