Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
