Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
