i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
