i don't like sucking hair
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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