i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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