Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
