i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things