i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH