Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
