Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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