I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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