I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Please don't give away my fajitas
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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