It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
